OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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