as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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