Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
