My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
