Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
