How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
