I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
