you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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