So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
