I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
