Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sext me about skeletons
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
