if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I think i got beer on your cat.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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