Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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