I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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