so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
