We're facebook friends in real life
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
