just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
