I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
