I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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