I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
