Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
