He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
