if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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