The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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