yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
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These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
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He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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