And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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