Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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