Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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