I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
