we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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