Plan B is the new Plan A
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
