I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
