yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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