There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
operation have a gay friend backfired
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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