just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
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Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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