Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
