My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
