rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
