I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
