I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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