dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It was like giving head to a cactus.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
