Whatcha textin bout Willis?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
