My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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