Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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