I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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