hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
