Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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