My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
