i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
