I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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