my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.