conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
