I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
