Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
