I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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